All posts tagged United States

Dear January,
I have two sons, ages 4 and 2. The sleeping arrangements evolved to where I am sleeping with my oldest son in the boys’ room, and my youngest sleeps with my husband in our room. It started out when my four year old was around 1 and a half, and he would wake up in the night and come crawl into bed with us. Then the 3 of us would sleep together or I would take my son back to his room and sleep with him. After a while of getting very little sleep, I just took to going to sleep with my son in his room. Now I am wishing that we could sleep like other families- because my husband and I are not getting private time together, and my husband is complaining that the two year old is a restless sleeper and he wants his bed back. Are they too young to force into sleeping arrangements away from their parents? I’ve read all kinds of contrasting views on this.

Please help,
Signed Sleepless in Salinas,

Dear SIS,
In most places in the world there is what is known as “the family bed.” The entire family sleeps together each night, until the child seeks their own space when they are ready. The United States is one of a few nations that designates differentiated space for bedrooms and sleeping- perhaps because we have the rooms to do so. I personally am attracted to the idea of family beds mainly because I enjoy another warm body near mine- so it seems odd that we take the youngest and have them off sleeping by themselves. Most mammal babies sleep in a huddle together with grown-ups- it must give a sense of security when we are at our most vulnerable.

However, my husband definitely wanted our own bed space, especially because we make love almost nightly and I don’t know how other countries manage that need (but obviously looking at populations, they do!). I do know that when my children were tiny, nursing babies, they often slept with us, usually on my side- I feared my husband might roll over onto them, but I’m told by others that do the family bed that everyone adjusts just fine.

As my children got older, they knew if they were sick or had a nightmare, they could crawl into bed with us; often at these times I would put them in their own beds sometime after they had resettled into sleep. Occasionally if they were very sick, I would sleep in their room to keep and eye and ear on their recovery. Weekend mornings my children would crawl into bed with us and we would talk and giggle and slowly start our day. This was how I was raised as well.

Now, having said all that- what you decide depends on your family’s philosophy. It seems you wouldn’t have written to me if it was not providing some sort of problem or dilemma, so I am going to assume that the family bed model isn’t one your family wants to adopt. Having a conversation with your husband at a different time (not in the midst of putting tired kids to bed) about what you both need can help support the family as you shift the current pattern. Any time you shift a pattern or system in a family it takes time and persistence- usually 3-6 weeks. And any time you shift a pattern in relationship be prepared for resistance and some behaviors becoming worse before they get better. The calmer and more loving you can be during those shifts, the sooner the shift will happen with everyone getting their needs met.  Most families that want to have the adult bedroom be for the parents can help children be fully prepared for sleep at bed time with nightly routines, and help their “light sleeper” children by teaching them ways to self comfort when they wake.

First it is very important to set up nighttime rituals that ease the brain and body into readiness for sleep. A warm bath, warm drink and light carbohydrate snack, a story or two, a regular song or poem sung every night, or a traditional snuggle and chat time about the day can help everyone wind down toward rest. Avoid sugary or protein-filled snacks, exuberant play or stimulating screen time close to bed time, as these often have the opposite effect. A night light or white noise maker (ocean sounds), or calm music played very low volume can add to a child’s comfort as they fall asleep.

During the transition you may want to put a visual, tangible symbol (like a triangle made of Popsicle sticks) on the child’s doorknob. This acts as a “pass” to get a drink of water, one more hug, or something the child forgot to tell you (all brilliant stall tactics). The child brings you the pass. Then you, without frustration or anger, meet the need, take the pass, and re-tuck once again. Reassuring the child that you are close by (the music can help with this), that you know they need rest, and that part of growing up is going to your own rest nest, help the child understand that they are safe and cared for in this routine. Plus the “pass” gives them some control to get needs met, which is a very human need.

For the light sleeper who wakes in the night, the pass may be put back on the doorknob if you are open to one visit a night for an additional tuck-in. Other ways children learn to self-comfort is to have a favorite stuffed animal, pacifier, blanket or book as a comfort object within reach. Allowing them to rest quietly without insisting on sleep if they awaken, they will often drift right back to the needed rest. Some moms and dads I know have also given the child a T-shirt that the parent has slept in for several nights- which offers the child the smell that may bring them comfort. A picture of parents and family that is in an unbreakable frame or laminated is a comfort for some children as well.

Like many parts of parenting and growing up the more we can make sure emotional/social needs are met while setting firm and kind boundaries the more likely it will be just one more stage of growing toward independence in healthy ways. Including parent needs as part of the whole picture means parents aren’t feeling the resentment of sacrifice that often still comes out on the child. And I don’t know about you, but I am such a better parent and partner when I have had my sleep!