All posts tagged teacher

Attention Parents! Do you know what a “natural consequence” is?

by Dr Jane Nelson on August 15, 2012 in MODE Mom's

Editors Note: To find out more about “Positive Discipline” make sure to check out Dr. Jane Nelson @ http://www.positivediscipline.com/ for more tips and resources!

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A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. No piggy backing allowed. Adults piggy back when they lecture, scold, say, “I told you so,” or do anything that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience.

Children usually feel bad or guilty when they make a mistake. Piggy backing lessens the learning that can occur from experiencing a natural consequence because the child stops processing the experience and focuses on absorbing or defending against the blame, shame, and pain. Instead of piggy backing, show empathy and understanding for what the child is experiencing: “I’ll bet it was hard to go hungry (get wet, get that bad grade, lose your bicycle).” When it seems appropriate, you could add, “I love you and have faith in you to handle this.” It can be difficult for parents to be supportive without rescuing or overprotecting, but it is one of the most encouraging things you can do to help your children develop a sense of capability. Let’s look at an example of how natural consequences work.

Billy, a first grader, forgot his lunch every day. Mother would interrupt her busy schedule to drive to school with his lunch. After learning about natural consequences, she decided that Billy might learn to remember his lunch if he experienced the natural consequence of forgetting. She first discussed this with Billy, letting him know she was confident that he could be responsible for remembering his lunch. She also told him she would no longer bring his lunch to school if he forgot it. It is very important and respectful to discuss, in advance, when you plan to change your behavior.

Her intentions were sabotaged for a while because Billy’s teacher took over and loaned him money for lunch when he forgot. It was not until Mother and Billy’s teacher got together on a plan to allow Billy to learn from the natural consequences of his choices that his behavior changed.

Billy tested the plan. The next time he forgot his lunch, he asked his teacher if he could borrow some lunch money. She said, “I’m sorry, Billy, but we agreed that you could handle your lunch problem by yourself.” Billy then phoned his mother and demanded that she bring his lunch. Mom also kindly but firmly reminded him that he could handle the problem. Billy pouted for a while, even though one of his friends gave him half a sandwich.

After that, Billy seldom forgot his lunch. When he did forget it, he managed to find someone who would share some food with him. By the time Billy reached the second grade, he added the responsibility of making his own lunch, as well as remembering to take it.

Many adults don’t have much tolerance for the whining, pouting and disappointment. Billy’s mother did not find it easy to listen to her child be demanding, and it was difficult for her to allow him to experience being upset. She noticed some guilty feelings because he was hungry, but reminded herself that forgetting his lunch was really just a small mistake, one of many Billy would make in his lifetime. If she did not follow through on her plan, he would not be learning the life skill of getting a little more organized in the morning, and the good feelings of handling a problem himself. Instead he would be learning that whenever things didn’t work out for him, he could whine or complain and get someone else to take care of his problems. Looking at it that way, Mother was able to stay calmer.

Even though natural consequences often help children learn responsibility, there are times when natural consequences are not practical:

1. When a child is in danger. Adults cannot allow a child to experience the natural consequences of playing in the street, for example.

2. When natural consequences interfere with the rights of others. Adults cannot allow the natural con- sequences of allowing a child to throw rocks at another person, for example. This is one reason why supervision is especially important with children under the age of four. The only way you can prevent potential dangerous situations for children this age is to supervise so you can rush in and prevent a dangerous occurrence.

3. When the results of children’s behavior do not seem like a problem to them and the natural consequences will adversely affect their health and well being. For example, it does not seem like a problem to some children if they don’t take a bath, don’t brush their teeth, don’t do their homework, or eat tons of junk food.

THE CLEAVAGE CADDY: TURN YOUR BRA INTO A PURSE

by admin on July 13, 2012 in Fashion, Miscellaneous

Ladies, meet the purse that doubles as a bra. Yes, a bra-purse. You’re probably wondering–how and why? Well the caddy takes the items from your purse, organizes them, and slips into your bra. I’m wondering if the bigger your chest is, do you get to carry more items? And I mean would you really want to carry your entire purse in your bra? Well, would you actually want to carry ANYTHING from your purse in your bra?

This contraption makes me have flashbacks to when my Great Aunt would give me change for the vending machine out of her bra. I always prayed no one from school would turn the corner the minute she pulled her shirt to the side. And if the coins were slightly moist–I would feel just a little sick.

I sincerely hope that no Mother decides to wear this to parent teacher night in an effort to be hands free. That would be an instant kill to any social life. And as much as my husband would appreciate not having to carry my clutch during our date nights, I can only imagine his face if my chest lit up and started singing my latest iTunes download on my iPhone.

The Cleavage Caddy comes in many colors, or you can have one custom made. If anyone decides to buy this and try it out, please let me know. This is one review I would be very interested in reading!

So your kid made you angry again. But who owns the problem? And what can you do about it?

by January Handl on March 19, 2012 in Bay Area Moms, MODE Mom's, Opinion, Womens

It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Life’s puzzles are often simple, but seldom easy. The truth is the beginning isn’t always easy to know. Is it your own childhood? Your parent’s childhoods? Does the beginning for the human beings you are trying to raise start in parts destined to stay unknown?

I will say over and over again that there is only one person on the planet that you can control. No, it’s not your children, partner or parents…it is you. So since we each consider ourselves, often unconsciously, the center of the universe, you might as well always begin with you.

Since we inevitably parent and teach who we are, one of the greatest gifts we can give others is to truly know who we are. To strive to consciously choose when who we are is serving us and others, and when it is getting in the way. This often means spending some time reflecting on our own childhoods and previous experiences. And taking time to understand the meaning we have designated those events and people that impact our actions today. Current brain research supports the idea of the emotional echoes from our childhood experiences continuing to color the way we perceive current events- our lens through which we see “now” prevents us from a completely objective observation. Once we have some understanding of how the primary relationships from our own upbringing add zings of emotion or visceral responses to occurrences in the here and now, we can at least have some consciousness of when our responses are out of proportion, or weighted with long gone deep-feeling, and try to counter-balance that as appropriate.

When I realize what I value and why, and then go further to consider deeply how and if it is appropriate to a current situation, it gives illumination to the decisions of action or inaction to be made. A clarity can come to me- “oh yeah, here comes my irritation over this pet peeve…this child has not purposefully stayed up nights trying to figure out how to push me over the edge…it’s me and my stuff.” Or: “Wow this is so incredibly important to me, I need to make clear to this person why I am adamant about this outcome.” It can be very enlightening to a primary relationship as well- “sorry I was acting so jealously, it’s an over-reaction because of my childhood.” Small realizations can make huge differences in our overall relationships.

PROBLEM OWNERSHIP

As I said, it sounds simple; but in fact, a good deal of the work in parenting and partnering is just this: willingness to dredge past hurts and happenings for how those are acting as barriers to the goals we have in front of us, now. As with all of development, it is a process, not an end-goal, and one that all parents will get plenty of opportunities to visit and deepen. All well and good, but how does that translate into practical skills for parenting and relationship this moment?

I have had the good fortune to work for over 12 years with a woman co-facilitating parenting classes. One of the most powerful units we teach is about problem ownership. It is also the lesson most parents have difficulty taking in. And later, on feedback forms, it is a tool parents come to cherish. It begins simply with the idea “Whose needs are being thwarted in this situation?”

Immediately parents either make everything their problem, or everything the child’s problem- of course it is never as black and white as that. They also soon express concerns that if situation is the child’s problem they won’t be able to help. And as with all situations in life, what begins clear and precise can snowball into blizzards of confusion and messiness.

So we often wind up extending the clarifying question into “Whose original problem is it?” “Whose original needs were thwarted?”

Once the ownership of the problem has been clarified, this will help to determine the best approach. This doesn’t mean that if it is the child’s problem you don’t get to help, or speak with them- it does mean that you will offer a different kind of support and attitude than if it is clearly the adult’s issue.

If it is the adult’s problem (I need the rooms cleaned, I need to know you are safe, I want to be treated with respect) the approach is one of self-control or self-action.

Taking care of it yourself is one way to keep control. First, ALWAYS FIRST is the question “Is it really a problem and why?” Kids getting muddy can feel like a thorn in your side…why? Because of clean up? Because of worry about illness? Because your mother never let you do it? Maybe it really isn’t the problem you thought it was- giving yourself time to evaluate the situation (sometimes even out loud so the children hear your thinking) is a terrific model for your children.

Since you start with your self, and if you have decided the situation definitely is a problem for you, then ask yourself the question “how can I handle this myself?” It is always more powerful to look at your own choices- the ones you can directly impact. Whenever you can choose to not rely on the will of someone else, then at least you know when the responsibility was yours to begin with. It’s important to remember that it is the situation that is the problem…not the person. Whenever going into conflict or problem solving with the point of view that “this person needs to change” you will find the road much more harrowing than if you looked for solutions in a given area of behavior or ones that you are the one to implement.

Plan ahead whenever possible to avoid problems- you know what the pizza parlor will be like, what the temptations in the store will be, how likely the relative you are visiting is to be upset by certain behaviors. As the adult you have the advantage of forethought for which young children simply don’t have the cognitive abilities. Foreshadow expectations for your children. For the very young or struggling child, make sure you have a plan B, or even plan C in mind- thus setting everyone up for success.

Make requests- this seems so easy- just ask, right? There are so many ways to go wrong here- the tone of voice, making sure we are asking for the behavior we want in positive terms- say “walking feet” instead of “don’t run”, offer acceptable, limited choices so the child gets some control, problem solve with the child to explore alternatives, turn to the child as a consultant- letting them know you understand their needs, you have needs as well, how can all those needs get met? And when you make the request, make sure it is not a vague statement of how you are feeling, with no action asked for- saying you are “uncomfortable” with something is not saying you want different behavior.

Provide information, training and reasons- we take for granted how much we know and how far we have come since childhood. By slowing down and providing step by step training or the underlying reasons for a request the children trust that requests are not arbitrary commands that serve only to interrupt what they are doing. On the other hand, going on and on when a child already knows the reasons because you have explained it to them in the past starts to sound like a lecture from Charlie Brown’s teacher: “Wah wah wah wah wah” Sometimes saying it in a word is better: “teeth”, “jammies”, “walk”.

Express your feelings as you want your children to learn to express theirs- use humor when possible, but not if you need a serious response. Use the “I” message formula: “When___________(behavior) happens, I feel___________(feeling, like frustrated, upset) because______________.(reason for request). Not only will you be shocked and happily surprised when this comes back to you from your child, just by thinking through the formula, sometimes a realization dawns that the problem is linked to those past responses, and not to the here and now of the child you are raising.

Do the unexpected- walk away, do a somersault, say something silly- break the tension first, then return to your request.

AFTER, and only after trying some of the above, and still finding your needs not met you can move to natural or logical consequences. That is a whole other article.

So how about when it is the child’s problem? This is such a sticky area because children are often confronted with problems they do not have the experience or knowledge to solve effectively. Again, you are not leaving them to drift without support, but understanding that every time you take on your child’s problem the message to them is that they are unable to accomplish the task without you. Sometimes this feeds a parent’s need to be needed, which is fine until the child becomes college age, and unable to apply critical thinking or capabilities to the problems that life hands us daily as adults. Whenever confronted with “someone else’s” problem there are 3 main ways to approach your role as supporter.

Listen, listen listen…we really don’t do this well, and don’t take time to practice true active listening AND this is often what the other individual, be it child or adult really needs- to feel heard. Active listening includes empathetic remarks and body language, eye contact and relaxed body posture, and the ability to reflect back both the words and meaning the other is trying to convey. During this time you can grant a fantasy or wish, with words of understanding. Notice this does not say fix, fix, fix- which is often the first response we give or receive, and that sends the message of lack of trust, lack of respect, and undermines our abilities to truly, deeply, listen.

Act as a consultant- Children do need the adult experience and ideas to provide scaffolding by which they can build successes and confidence. After thoroughly listening, ask if the child wants help. Don’t take over, and don’t offer too many ideas without allowing the child control of the process. When you seek out a consultant as an adult, you do not expect the consultant to take over, ignore your wishes and feelings, and come to help whether invited or not. Make sure you give children the same room for exploring their own ideas and solutions. You can also provide training, offer your skill set to supplement and support their ideas, or offer to accompany a child through a process that might involve other adults or children- again, remaining conscious of allowing the child to do what they are capable of without taking over. Teach your child the same skills you practice when it is your problem, so they have an array of approaches to any situation.

Offer support- As above you can offer to accompany a child as they indicate the need, but also step back and offer encouragement and confidence when you feel they are ready to take independent steps in problem solving. Point out successful strategies you have seen them use in the past, or past accomplishments that have similar aspects. Convey your unconditional love and understanding, and let children know that mistakes or missteps are how human beings learn.

Go back to listening if you find yourself in the “yes, but” game with a child who knocks away your suggestions, or insists that they are unable to think of any ideas, or rejects your offers of support or consultation.

Occasionally a problem will be genuinely mutual- and that calls for cooperation, brainstorming, and seeking win-win solutions that consider everyone’s needs. It is fine for you to remain the adult or for expediency occasionally make some choices for everyone.

Only girls cry?

by Sarah on November 25, 2011 in Bay Area Moms

“If grades and sports are good in a boys life, we assume their inner emotions are too, that’s not the case” -RAISING CAIN

I recently watched a documentary regarding the inner emotional life of boys in america. A film that challenges social and cultural expectations and norms as it relates to their development.

What is the documentary about?

America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.

Who is responsible for this situation? How do we learn to listen to and support our boys? How can we guide them on the path to becoming responsible, caring men?

The documentary, Raising Cain: Boys in Focus, provides answers, insights, ideas, and hope. Hosted by child psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of the best-selling book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys, this documentary explores the emotional development of boys in America today. Thompson consults with some of our nation’s most respected psychologists, social activists, researchers and educators to probe the issues facing boys and find solutions to their dilemmas.

This two-hour documentary provides surprising new research about boys’ inner lives, dispelling a number of commonly held misconceptions, and highlights innovative programs that are bringing out the best in boys. The PBS Parents Guide to Understanding and Raising Boys offers insights and advice from Thompson and other experts on raising boys in America today.

Raising Cain is a production of Powderhouse and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., in association with Oregon Public Broadcasting. http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

Trailer

My Opinion

As a teacher and a future parent, I found the film to be informative as well as alarming. I feel such a strong sense of urgency to get the information relayed in this documentary out there to parents. This information is vital in providing parents with the tools they need to be able to support the boys in our country. It is vital for parents to be aware of this stark truth and hopefully with knowledge, comes change.

I think that our society allows so many things to look like the norm – that we, myself included, often think certain methods are ok, when they are actually harmful. Researching, and informing ourselves and finding out what works best for our family is very important.

I appreciated that this documentary was hosted by a psychologist and how it gave a well rounded view of almost every type of boy in america.

The most shocking study to me was the one conducted by psychologist Michael Thompson which showed that baby boys are actually more emotional than baby girls.

Boys in pre-school or kindergarten are often given the message that wanting to kill or hurt others in their pretend play is bad, which in turn makes them think and feel that they are bad. This message, from an early age is shaping their thoughts and image of what is ok to think and feel. At one point the documentary goes into a classroom and shows how one boy was affected by this and how the teacher supported him in a very healthy manner.

One aspect of the documentary that I disagreed with a bit was the part about conflict resolution and how it is handled in the classroom . It gave an example of how teachers in japan handle it, by letting conflict happen and not intervening (suggesting instead to let children resolve conflicts on their own, and amongst themselves). I strongly believe in facilitating conflict resolution so that children can learn skills about how to properly resolve conflicts. The immediate (mid-conflict) guidance and facilitation help to foster the skills needed to resolve the conflicts (that otherwise wouldn’t be addressed without facilitation).

Staying close to children 1-6 (yrs old) during conflicts so that they can see the skill of conflict resolution modeled and start to practice it themselves. It could get a bit dangerous if parents and teachers are not close during conflicts, because children will resort to physical means and continue to think that’s the way to resolve conflicts. Here is a great resource on how to help children resolve conflicts: http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&np=287&id=1521

Another part of the documentary was about boys diagnosed with ADHD and ADD who were medicated. I believe strongly that the majority of children diagnosed with ADD or ADHD really have Sensory Processing/Integration Disorder which requires Occupational Therapy (Play Therapy). Go here for more information: http://www.sinetwork.org/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

Our society tells boys that they can’t have emotions, that having emotions is weak, they make masculinity look like the wrong image of what being a man is. The result is devastating. Boys who are hiding who they really are under a mask and suppressing a lot of healthy feelings that need to be validated in a safe way.

Here are some quotes from the documentary that I really loved.”

“Model of manhood with an open expression of affection.”

“When behavior effects their grades it also effects their social life.”

“If grades and sports are good in a boys life, we assume their inner emotions are too, that’s not the case.”

“Boys have SO much pressure to be tough and stoic.”

“An 18 year olds frontal lobe (which determines their ability of judgement) is still maturing.”

“They take dangerous risks because they want to prove their manhood.”

“Acts of violence in play are not real. intervene by getting them to reflect and see if from someone else’s point of view.”

“When we try to stop the behavior they get the message that their inner lives are shameful and scary.”

“Ask them about their feelings and intentions.”

“They get the message that love makes them weak.”

“Emotional courage is courage.”

“They have an emotional life and their own ways of learning.”

“An adult male who can model manhood; responsible, caring and emotionally available.”

During different parts of the documentary, I was teary eyed, sad, yet determined to help be a part of changing this. Our boys need us, whether we are parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or friends. We all have a role in this, and the change has to begin with us.