All posts tagged Christmas

Parenting: Kind Is Not Always Nice

by Dr Jane Nelson on August 22, 2012 in MODE Mom's

Editors Note: To find out more about “Positive Discipline” make sure to check out Dr. Jane Nelson @ http://www.positivediscipline.com/ for more tips and resources!

A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two—being too kind until they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

Opposites Attract: When One Parent Is Kind And The Other Is Firm

It is interesting to note how often two people with opposing philosophies about kindness and firmness get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both wrong. The trick is to be kind and firm and the same time.

Putting kind and firm together can be a challenge for parents who have a habit of going to one extreme or the other.

The Importance of “And” In Kind and Firm

One of my favorite examples of kind and firm at the same time is, “I love you, and the answer is NO.”

Other examples:

I know you don’t want to stop playing (validate feelings), AND it is time for _____

I know you would rather watch TV than do your homework (show understanding), AND homework needs to be done first.

You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it together. Want to race? (Redirection.)

I know you don’t want to mow the lawn, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer—assuming you decided together on an agreement in advance.)

You don’t want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime. Do you want one story or two stories as soon as your jammies are on? (Provide a choice?)

I know you want to keep play video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet. (A choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do.)

Upping the Amps

Sometime the energy of firmness needs to be a little stronger. It can still be respectful. Remember that kids know when you mean it and when you don’t. Notice that there is not any “piggy backing” (adding lectures of blame and shame) on these statements.

That (whining, demanding, coaxing) does not work with me. (Then leave.)

Come find me when you are ready to be respectful. (Then leave.)

Keep your mouth shut and give a “you’ve got to be kidding look.”

That behavior is unacceptable. Stop now.

Don’t bite the bait. When kids do provocative behavior, think of a hook dangling in your face. Be smart enough to avoid biting and swim in a different direction. Or, just be still and wait for the hook to go away.

Some people think these firm statements are not positive—not nice.

Kind Is Not Always Nice

The mother bird knows instinctively when it is time to push her baby bird from the nest so it will learn to fly. If we didn’t know better we might think this is not very nice of the mother bird. If the baby bird could talk, it might be saying, “No. I don’t want to leave the nest. Don’t be so mean. That’s not fair.” However, we know the baby bird would not learn to fly if the mother bird did not provide that important push.

Kind is not always nice. It would be very unkind to allow her baby to be handicapped for life by pampering—an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

I think we all know the mistakes made in the name of firmness without kindness. In a word, it is punishment. However, many do not know the mistakes made in the name of kindness such as:

Pleasing
Rescuing
Over-protecting
Pampering—providing all “wants”
Micromanaging in the name of love
Giving too many choices
Making sure children never suffer

All of theses parenting methods create weakness.

You may be surprised to see, “making sure children never suffer,” as a mistake in the name of kindness. The following story of the little boy and the butterfly may help you understand how rescuing children from all suffering creates weakness.

A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He decided to help so he could save the butterfly from the struggle. So he peeled the chrysalis open for the butterfly. The little boy was so excited to watch the butterfly spread its wings and fly off into the sky. Then he was horrified as he watched the butterfly drift to the ground and die because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying.

Like the little boy, parents too often (in the name of love) want to protect their children from struggle. They don’t realize that their children need to struggle, to deal with disappointment, to solve their own problems, so they can develop their emotional muscles and develop the skills necessary for the even bigger struggles they will encounter throughout their lives.

It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it is most helpful to “allow” them to suffer with support.

For example, suppose a child “suffers” because she can’t have the toy she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups and downs of life—leading to a sense of capability and competency. The support part is that you validate her feelings, but avoid rescuing or lecturing.

It isn’t helpful when parents engage in “piggy backing”—adding lectures, blame and shame to what the child is experiencing. “Stop crying and acting like a spoiled brat. You can’t always have what you want. Do you think I’m made of money? And besides, all I got in my Christmas stocking was nuts and an orange.”

Instead, parents can offer loving support. “I can see this is very upsetting to you. It can be very disappointing when we don’t get what we want.” Period. I say, “period,” because some parents even overdo validating feelings—going on and on in the hopes that validating feelings will take away the suffering.

Validate a child’s feelings and then allow her to recover from those feelings. “I can see you are very disappointed that you didn’t get a better grade.” Then comes the tough part—no rescuing and no lectures. Simply allow her to discover that she can get over her disappointment and figure out what might increase her chances of getting what she wants in the future.

Kindness Without Firmness Is Permissiveness

Many people who are drawn to Positive Discipline err on the side of kindness. They are against punishment, but don’t realize that firmness is necessary to avoid permissiveness. Permissiveness is not healthy for children because they are likely to decide, “Love means getting others to take care of me and give me everything I want.”

Have faith in your children that they can learn and grow from suffering—especially in a supportive environment. Understand that kind is not always nice, short term. True kindness and firmness together provide an environment where children can develop the “wings” they need to soar through life.

Is this “ALL” there is?

by admin on June 22, 2012 in Bay Area Moms

Years ago, long before I found myself in the position of having to select toys for the retail market I learned two invaluable lessons about them from my children. The first lesson arrived one Christmas morning. Greg, my then five year old, had finally unwrapped the last of the seeming-less endless profusion of toys which hours before had bulged and stretched far beyond the perimeter of our respectably full tree.

The expression of joyful, excited anticipation with which he bad greeted this opulent array of packages had long since faded, and he sat there in what appeared to be a state of disorientation and confusion. And then came the grim and unexpected question. “Is this all there is?”

The paradoxical nature of the question, asked by a child buried in the rubble of an affluent Christmas morning, struck me with great force. And between the words of Greg’s question I heard him say “too many things make me feel empty” and “lots of stuff isn’t what I really need.”

My second lesson occurred over a period of several years as I watched my children play with toys. First, I noticed that among the multitude of toys which .filled their closet and room few captured their attentions for any length of time. Second, I noticed that they seemed to experience the greatest degree of enjoyment when they played with objects hardly classified as toys: like pots, pans, boxes, blankets· and branches. And third, I discovered that there were indeed some toys which they enjoyed.

In fact, there were some toys which they liked so much that they played with them for many, many years. Later, when I found myself the proprietor of a ·small toy store I reviewed the- lessons gleaned from my children, and I reached some conclusions which shaped my approach to selecting toys for the store.

The first was that children don’t need lots of toys, but that they do need a lot of love and human interaction.

The second was that if children are to have toys, they only need a few GOOD toys: toys which they can shape to their own unique needs and potentials; toys which are more than just possessions, but tools to help them grow as human beings rather than as mere consumers. I began to classify these toys as open-ended.

Most of us recognize the closed-ended toy when we see it. It is that toy which has limited uses and leaves little or no room for imagination or creativity. When the child and a closed-ended toy interact, it is the toy and not the child in charge of the play activity. Since most toys in the market place have that quality it is no wonder that most toys bore children. These kinds of toys are, in fact, an insult to the child’s natural desire to experience, explore, discover and express his or her own unique potential.

On the other hand, the open-ended toy respects the child and responds to his or her individuality and uniqueness. Open ended toys, like blocks, building sets, crayons or clay have an infinite number of uses. The beauty of such toys is that they can become whatever the child needs them to be and change with his or her needs or interests.

With them the child discovers again and again grand new possibilities both within and without. And when a child plays with an open-ended toy it is he or she who is significant and in charge of the activity of playing. Not the toy. And because such toys are so versatile, children don’t need a lot of them.

Almost three decades have passed since my five year old asked his poignant question – Is this all there is? .And today the rubble of the too-muchness borne of an excessively materialistic society still fills the souls of our little ones with a sense of neediness.

In a society which glorifies material possessions at the expense of human beings; in a society which encourages the development of passive spectators instead of active participants; and in a society which often looks outside to the expert for answers instead of within the self for solutions, there is a desperate need to provide our children with tools and experiences that touch and strengthen the authentic places within.

As my own little son taught me years ago abundance has nothing to do with an excess of stuff. Instead, the experience of abundance grows from within. For all of us it grows from loving relationships and rich self-growing experiences. It is important to remind ourselves that we will be tempted to show our love by showering our children with an excess of stuff. We need to remember that more is not necessarily better.

Rather it may, in fact, result in an experience of poverty. Choose, instead, to give only a few special things which create experiences of aliveness, self-connection and self worth. But most of all, choose. all year round, to give abundantly of yourself. Because, after all, true abundance comes from within and is nurtured in the sharing of yourself.

-Karen Benz Holland (The Wooden Horse Toy Store)

Why “having fun” needs to be a big part of the Equation

by January Handl on April 24, 2012 in MODE Mom's

The 4^th of July brings back lots of memories- from my own childhood, and from when my children were little. I didn’t realize how connected these fun times made me feel with my family until last week, when my older brother turned 50. When my aunt emailed everyone and asked us to meet at a local pizza parlor, I realized I was excited about our family getting together at a time other than Thanksgiving and Christmas. And that brought up my confusion when other people often tell me just how much they dread a family gathering.

My aunt once reflected to me that she loved to see me and my brothers at any family function, because as she put it “you drop right back into childhood play mode.” I know most of us drop back into our old roles in our families of origin and often chafe at the restrictions of how these self-and-other-imposed roles hold us to be someone whom we have outgrown. But I have the great fortune to come from a family that loves to play and laugh- and sees fun as a way to make any work seem lighter. I welcome the roles we offer each other as fellow playmates and fun-instigators.

After my grandpa died, my folks had a garage sale to sell some of the huge amount of stuff that Pop Bill had accumulated. Though it could have been a sad and dour occasion, we all showed up to help, and found ourselves rolling on the ground in giggles as we read a silly old joke book, or rode his electric cart down the street. We were having so much fun, several passers-by who stopped by the garage sale wound up staying for over an hour just to chat and laugh with us. My parents have always encouraged and joined in with humor and the ability to take ourselves lightly in a variety of circumstances. Thank Goodness- these moments are a huge part of the fondness that is tenderly connected to our family’s most treasured memories- some of which are at the time of grief, or serious need.

It doesn’t mean we don’t take somber times with thoughtful consideration, or appropriate emotion. It means we see humor as a critical coping tool and a binding force in the solidity of our relationships.

At my brother’s 50^th birthday party, with the youngest of my nieces, nephews, and cousins being 18 years old, we had a giant napkin fight, we teased each other with birthday “tweeters” in the ear, and we gave gag gifts making fun of aging. We laughed, hugged, listened and shared a feeling of gratitude for the blessing of a family that chooses to celebrate each member’s uniqueness. I left giddy and happy, with the warm feelings of the play and smiles lingering long after I arrived home.

We have so much in life that is tragic. We have so many day to day chores and goals that must be taken with a serious view. We are surrounded by challenge, struggle and fears. In our long-term relationships, we often have to make heavy “withdrawals” from our “love banks” when it comes to compromise, setting boundaries, making amends for mistakes, or getting our own needs met. Without the “deposits” of fun, acceptance, laughter and even silliness- our relationship “accounts” run dry- there is nothing there from which to draw.

Our families can be a refuge of relief, offering a place to put worries on hold for a short time. Shared work and accomplishments are part of the equation. Serious intellectual exchanges, philosophical discussions, lectures on morals and values are all important factors- but without fun together, the family’s history offers no reason to return with loving anticipation. We need to allow play to fill us back up before we go back into the demands of our every day lives. Interactions that are only about the present moment, that have no end goal, that are savored in the process, not the product- this is play. This is the direct connection to our childhood wonder, our creativity, our joy.

Add more play, more fun to the equation of your relationships- the sum will be more than can be counted in tangible means and will offer the resiliency that our connections must have to endure. This is the currency by which our true wealth in our relationships is measured.

Holiday Shopping at Stanford Shopping Center

by Hasti Kashfia on November 21, 2011 in Events, Fashion, Lifestyle, Local, Mens, Review

It’s the Holidays and that means lots of shopping for us! We’re getting Christmas presents, picking up Fall Fashion items and looking to share more and more gift ideas with you all through out the next few weeks. So when we received $200 from Stanford Shopping Center to check out their stores, deals, steals and fashions we had to say yes!

First of all we were totally blown away with all the changes! Did you know there is an Urban Outfitters there now–amongst tons of other new stores. We also fell in LOVE with the Ann Taylor store–chandeliers anyone?

We found a couple of amazing finds that we’re excited to share with you! But first we had to give you a peek into the new Ann Taylor store. We totally recommend going in when you’re in the area. Besides carrying all the latest pieces from the collection we found some great sales items upstairs.

The first thing we got was this beautiful FEED bracelet from Links of London. We’re suckers for anything that gives back and we fell in love with these. There are five different themes that you can choose from, we got the pink one which provides 50 meals to kids living in areas with high HIV/AIDS rates. You can pick one up for yourself or someone else from the Links of London shop in Bloomingdales! It’s a great gift for those people in your life that love to give back.

We also have insider information that the non-FEED items will be on sale for Black Friday! We especially love these for the men in our life that have everything and are SO hard to shop for!

We couldn’t be more excited about this find at Talbots. Such a great deal on such a staple piece! This piece was originally $189 and we got ours at $129.99 + 30% off! Um major deal and so in love with it.

And you can’t let us in a mall and think we’d leave without a visit to Sephora! We picked up this PERFECT gift for a certain woman in our life that we never know what to get for. It’s a perfume “sampler”, she can try multiple scents and go back and grab the one the she wants. There were a few various sets and some were under $50 but we had to get the best for this person. And we love that these are all rollerballs and are easy to travel with.

There are also two great events at Stanford Shopping Center coming up for the Holiday’s that we hope to see you at!

-Black Friday-

Stanford Shopping Center will be open from 8am-10pm, though department store hours may vary.
On Black Friday the first 500 shoppers to stop by Center Pavilion will receive swag bags. The mall will also be raffling off a prize an hour from 9:00AM – 6:00PM. And, finally, there will be complimentary coffee for all shoppers!

-Tree Lighting Ceremony-

On Saturday the 26^th, the mall will host the annual Tree Lighting Ceremony from 5-7pm in the Clock Tower Plaza. Holly Berry, the Holiday Fairy and her singing and dancing holiday trees will light up the Center with a musical for the entire family. Bop to the beat of everyone’s favorite holiday tunes as Holly Berry and Santa lead the countdown to our Annual Tree Lighting Ceremony that will illuminate the entire Center. After the performance, follow the cast to the Center Pavilion for photos with Santa and holiday treats!

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