All posts in Bay Area Moms

Is this “ALL” there is?

by admin on June 22, 2012 in Bay Area Moms

Years ago, long before I found myself in the position of having to select toys for the retail market I learned two invaluable lessons about them from my children. The first lesson arrived one Christmas morning. Greg, my then five year old, had finally unwrapped the last of the seeming-less endless profusion of toys which hours before had bulged and stretched far beyond the perimeter of our respectably full tree.

The expression of joyful, excited anticipation with which he bad greeted this opulent array of packages had long since faded, and he sat there in what appeared to be a state of disorientation and confusion. And then came the grim and unexpected question. “Is this all there is?”

The paradoxical nature of the question, asked by a child buried in the rubble of an affluent Christmas morning, struck me with great force. And between the words of Greg’s question I heard him say “too many things make me feel empty” and “lots of stuff isn’t what I really need.”

My second lesson occurred over a period of several years as I watched my children play with toys. First, I noticed that among the multitude of toys which .filled their closet and room few captured their attentions for any length of time. Second, I noticed that they seemed to experience the greatest degree of enjoyment when they played with objects hardly classified as toys: like pots, pans, boxes, blankets· and branches. And third, I discovered that there were indeed some toys which they enjoyed.

In fact, there were some toys which they liked so much that they played with them for many, many years. Later, when I found myself the proprietor of a ·small toy store I reviewed the- lessons gleaned from my children, and I reached some conclusions which shaped my approach to selecting toys for the store.

The first was that children don’t need lots of toys, but that they do need a lot of love and human interaction.

The second was that if children are to have toys, they only need a few GOOD toys: toys which they can shape to their own unique needs and potentials; toys which are more than just possessions, but tools to help them grow as human beings rather than as mere consumers. I began to classify these toys as open-ended.

Most of us recognize the closed-ended toy when we see it. It is that toy which has limited uses and leaves little or no room for imagination or creativity. When the child and a closed-ended toy interact, it is the toy and not the child in charge of the play activity. Since most toys in the market place have that quality it is no wonder that most toys bore children. These kinds of toys are, in fact, an insult to the child’s natural desire to experience, explore, discover and express his or her own unique potential.

On the other hand, the open-ended toy respects the child and responds to his or her individuality and uniqueness. Open ended toys, like blocks, building sets, crayons or clay have an infinite number of uses. The beauty of such toys is that they can become whatever the child needs them to be and change with his or her needs or interests.

With them the child discovers again and again grand new possibilities both within and without. And when a child plays with an open-ended toy it is he or she who is significant and in charge of the activity of playing. Not the toy. And because such toys are so versatile, children don’t need a lot of them.

Almost three decades have passed since my five year old asked his poignant question – Is this all there is? .And today the rubble of the too-muchness borne of an excessively materialistic society still fills the souls of our little ones with a sense of neediness.

In a society which glorifies material possessions at the expense of human beings; in a society which encourages the development of passive spectators instead of active participants; and in a society which often looks outside to the expert for answers instead of within the self for solutions, there is a desperate need to provide our children with tools and experiences that touch and strengthen the authentic places within.

As my own little son taught me years ago abundance has nothing to do with an excess of stuff. Instead, the experience of abundance grows from within. For all of us it grows from loving relationships and rich self-growing experiences. It is important to remind ourselves that we will be tempted to show our love by showering our children with an excess of stuff. We need to remember that more is not necessarily better.

Rather it may, in fact, result in an experience of poverty. Choose, instead, to give only a few special things which create experiences of aliveness, self-connection and self worth. But most of all, choose. all year round, to give abundantly of yourself. Because, after all, true abundance comes from within and is nurtured in the sharing of yourself.

-Karen Benz Holland (The Wooden Horse Toy Store)

Positive Connection

by January Handl on April 3, 2012 in Bay Area Moms, Lifestyle, MODE Mom's, Opinion

What separates us from computers and adding machines and encyclopedias is that we are uniquely equipped with brains that not only take in data, receive stimuli, perceive input, but also are hardwired in our very circuitry to make meaning of those incoming bits of information. We add value, weight and importance, we compare and contrast with previous experience, we DECIDE what it all means.

It is probably our biggest burden and most wondrous bounty. It is not the event or situation that occurs that moves us to emotion or action; it is what we think it means to us.

Your child is at a developmental stage where they are still “raw” in their perceptions. Limited in experience, they often look to you to give meaning to daily occurrences. They aren’t even close to understanding that the shared “facts” of a happening are being given different meanings, in all the varied and subtle nuances of each participant or observer. They are in their egocentric bubble (as many adults remain) of seeing the world through their own eyes only- solidly sure that this is “the way it is”.

When, as parents, we learn to understand deeply that often our only control lies in our response to the world, not what the world presents us; it is a freeing and empowering thing. We no longer have to take personally the hardships and challenges life and relationship present us- WE are the “framers” of the situations- we have the power to decide what things mean to us. As we explore who we are and do the self- reflection that parenting can provide on a daily basis, and as we examine our beliefs and learn to take on the view of another, we are able to broaden our approaches to the complex tasks and opportunities that family dynamics and social structures present.

As an example, I can decide that my child’s defiance is an attack on my authority or a natural push toward finding boundaries. I can decide that throwing sand is aggression or seeking connection. I can see tears as a provocation or a cry for help. The actions remain the same, but now my response will be totally different because of how I chose to view them. When you leave your child at school, they can view you as abandoning them to get away for an uncertain time, or they can view it as you leaving them in a safe and loving place until your swift return. A lot of this depends on how you present the meaning of the situation to your child. There are many tiny communications we do non-verbally that help us decipher the coded meaning in any situation. Paradoxically, we may want to transfer our own meaning to the child, in helpfulness and caring, yet the child and any individual always holds the ultimate control of this part of life.

Helping your child begin to see that the “self-talk” and choice involved effect how they experience any situation is giving them back the power we so often mistakenly take on. Beginning to observe the tendencies and temperament of yourself (are you a “the glass is half- empty or half-full” person?), what your “automatic” responses are, what conclusions the little voices and patterns in your head often lead you to, and what strategies are most helpful for you in making conscious choices in your assignment of meaning, is the beginning of modeling this decision of taking back control that events often take from us.

Learning to communicate and check out assumptions of meaning and negotiating shared meanings are the foundations to long lasting, rewarding relationships where we can experience intimacy, without insisting on carbon copies of response. Our humanness has so much potential for great discoveries and giant love- and it is only through honored uniqueness and positive connection that we can possibly reach it…At least that’s the meaning I give it!

We Want Our Bed Back

by January Handl on March 27, 2012 in Bay Area Moms, MODE Mom's

Dear January,
I have two sons, ages 4 and 2. The sleeping arrangements evolved to where I am sleeping with my oldest son in the boys’ room, and my youngest sleeps with my husband in our room. It started out when my four year old was around 1 and a half, and he would wake up in the night and come crawl into bed with us. Then the 3 of us would sleep together or I would take my son back to his room and sleep with him. After a while of getting very little sleep, I just took to going to sleep with my son in his room. Now I am wishing that we could sleep like other families- because my husband and I are not getting private time together, and my husband is complaining that the two year old is a restless sleeper and he wants his bed back. Are they too young to force into sleeping arrangements away from their parents? I’ve read all kinds of contrasting views on this.

Please help,
Signed Sleepless in Salinas,

Dear SIS,
In most places in the world there is what is known as “the family bed.” The entire family sleeps together each night, until the child seeks their own space when they are ready. The United States is one of a few nations that designates differentiated space for bedrooms and sleeping- perhaps because we have the rooms to do so. I personally am attracted to the idea of family beds mainly because I enjoy another warm body near mine- so it seems odd that we take the youngest and have them off sleeping by themselves. Most mammal babies sleep in a huddle together with grown-ups- it must give a sense of security when we are at our most vulnerable.

However, my husband definitely wanted our own bed space, especially because we make love almost nightly and I don’t know how other countries manage that need (but obviously looking at populations, they do!). I do know that when my children were tiny, nursing babies, they often slept with us, usually on my side- I feared my husband might roll over onto them, but I’m told by others that do the family bed that everyone adjusts just fine.

As my children got older, they knew if they were sick or had a nightmare, they could crawl into bed with us; often at these times I would put them in their own beds sometime after they had resettled into sleep. Occasionally if they were very sick, I would sleep in their room to keep and eye and ear on their recovery. Weekend mornings my children would crawl into bed with us and we would talk and giggle and slowly start our day. This was how I was raised as well.

Now, having said all that- what you decide depends on your family’s philosophy. It seems you wouldn’t have written to me if it was not providing some sort of problem or dilemma, so I am going to assume that the family bed model isn’t one your family wants to adopt. Having a conversation with your husband at a different time (not in the midst of putting tired kids to bed) about what you both need can help support the family as you shift the current pattern. Any time you shift a pattern or system in a family it takes time and persistence- usually 3-6 weeks. And any time you shift a pattern in relationship be prepared for resistance and some behaviors becoming worse before they get better. The calmer and more loving you can be during those shifts, the sooner the shift will happen with everyone getting their needs met. Most families that want to have the adult bedroom be for the parents can help children be fully prepared for sleep at bed time with nightly routines, and help their “light sleeper” children by teaching them ways to self comfort when they wake.

First it is very important to set up nighttime rituals that ease the brain and body into readiness for sleep. A warm bath, warm drink and light carbohydrate snack, a story or two, a regular song or poem sung every night, or a traditional snuggle and chat time about the day can help everyone wind down toward rest. Avoid sugary or protein-filled snacks, exuberant play or stimulating screen time close to bed time, as these often have the opposite effect. A night light or white noise maker (ocean sounds), or calm music played very low volume can add to a child’s comfort as they fall asleep.

During the transition you may want to put a visual, tangible symbol (like a triangle made of Popsicle sticks) on the child’s doorknob. This acts as a “pass” to get a drink of water, one more hug, or something the child forgot to tell you (all brilliant stall tactics). The child brings you the pass. Then you, without frustration or anger, meet the need, take the pass, and re-tuck once again. Reassuring the child that you are close by (the music can help with this), that you know they need rest, and that part of growing up is going to your own rest nest, help the child understand that they are safe and cared for in this routine. Plus the “pass” gives them some control to get needs met, which is a very human need.

For the light sleeper who wakes in the night, the pass may be put back on the doorknob if you are open to one visit a night for an additional tuck-in. Other ways children learn to self-comfort is to have a favorite stuffed animal, pacifier, blanket or book as a comfort object within reach. Allowing them to rest quietly without insisting on sleep if they awaken, they will often drift right back to the needed rest. Some moms and dads I know have also given the child a T-shirt that the parent has slept in for several nights- which offers the child the smell that may bring them comfort. A picture of parents and family that is in an unbreakable frame or laminated is a comfort for some children as well.

Like many parts of parenting and growing up the more we can make sure emotional/social needs are met while setting firm and kind boundaries the more likely it will be just one more stage of growing toward independence in healthy ways. Including parent needs as part of the whole picture means parents aren’t feeling the resentment of sacrifice that often still comes out on the child. And I don’t know about you, but I am such a better parent and partner when I have had my sleep!

So your kid made you angry again. But who owns the problem? And what can you do about it?

by January Handl on March 19, 2012 in Bay Area Moms, MODE Mom's, Opinion, Womens

It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Life’s puzzles are often simple, but seldom easy. The truth is the beginning isn’t always easy to know. Is it your own childhood? Your parent’s childhoods? Does the beginning for the human beings you are trying to raise start in parts destined to stay unknown?

I will say over and over again that there is only one person on the planet that you can control. No, it’s not your children, partner or parents…it is you. So since we each consider ourselves, often unconsciously, the center of the universe, you might as well always begin with you.

Since we inevitably parent and teach who we are, one of the greatest gifts we can give others is to truly know who we are. To strive to consciously choose when who we are is serving us and others, and when it is getting in the way. This often means spending some time reflecting on our own childhoods and previous experiences. And taking time to understand the meaning we have designated those events and people that impact our actions today. Current brain research supports the idea of the emotional echoes from our childhood experiences continuing to color the way we perceive current events- our lens through which we see “now” prevents us from a completely objective observation. Once we have some understanding of how the primary relationships from our own upbringing add zings of emotion or visceral responses to occurrences in the here and now, we can at least have some consciousness of when our responses are out of proportion, or weighted with long gone deep-feeling, and try to counter-balance that as appropriate.

When I realize what I value and why, and then go further to consider deeply how and if it is appropriate to a current situation, it gives illumination to the decisions of action or inaction to be made. A clarity can come to me- “oh yeah, here comes my irritation over this pet peeve…this child has not purposefully stayed up nights trying to figure out how to push me over the edge…it’s me and my stuff.” Or: “Wow this is so incredibly important to me, I need to make clear to this person why I am adamant about this outcome.” It can be very enlightening to a primary relationship as well- “sorry I was acting so jealously, it’s an over-reaction because of my childhood.” Small realizations can make huge differences in our overall relationships.

PROBLEM OWNERSHIP

As I said, it sounds simple; but in fact, a good deal of the work in parenting and partnering is just this: willingness to dredge past hurts and happenings for how those are acting as barriers to the goals we have in front of us, now. As with all of development, it is a process, not an end-goal, and one that all parents will get plenty of opportunities to visit and deepen. All well and good, but how does that translate into practical skills for parenting and relationship this moment?

I have had the good fortune to work for over 12 years with a woman co-facilitating parenting classes. One of the most powerful units we teach is about problem ownership. It is also the lesson most parents have difficulty taking in. And later, on feedback forms, it is a tool parents come to cherish. It begins simply with the idea “Whose needs are being thwarted in this situation?”

Immediately parents either make everything their problem, or everything the child’s problem- of course it is never as black and white as that. They also soon express concerns that if situation is the child’s problem they won’t be able to help. And as with all situations in life, what begins clear and precise can snowball into blizzards of confusion and messiness.

So we often wind up extending the clarifying question into “Whose original problem is it?” “Whose original needs were thwarted?”

Once the ownership of the problem has been clarified, this will help to determine the best approach. This doesn’t mean that if it is the child’s problem you don’t get to help, or speak with them- it does mean that you will offer a different kind of support and attitude than if it is clearly the adult’s issue.

If it is the adult’s problem (I need the rooms cleaned, I need to know you are safe, I want to be treated with respect) the approach is one of self-control or self-action.

Taking care of it yourself is one way to keep control. First, ALWAYS FIRST is the question “Is it really a problem and why?” Kids getting muddy can feel like a thorn in your side…why? Because of clean up? Because of worry about illness? Because your mother never let you do it? Maybe it really isn’t the problem you thought it was- giving yourself time to evaluate the situation (sometimes even out loud so the children hear your thinking) is a terrific model for your children.

Since you start with your self, and if you have decided the situation definitely is a problem for you, then ask yourself the question “how can I handle this myself?” It is always more powerful to look at your own choices- the ones you can directly impact. Whenever you can choose to not rely on the will of someone else, then at least you know when the responsibility was yours to begin with. It’s important to remember that it is the situation that is the problem…not the person. Whenever going into conflict or problem solving with the point of view that “this person needs to change” you will find the road much more harrowing than if you looked for solutions in a given area of behavior or ones that you are the one to implement.

Plan ahead whenever possible to avoid problems- you know what the pizza parlor will be like, what the temptations in the store will be, how likely the relative you are visiting is to be upset by certain behaviors. As the adult you have the advantage of forethought for which young children simply don’t have the cognitive abilities. Foreshadow expectations for your children. For the very young or struggling child, make sure you have a plan B, or even plan C in mind- thus setting everyone up for success.

Make requests- this seems so easy- just ask, right? There are so many ways to go wrong here- the tone of voice, making sure we are asking for the behavior we want in positive terms- say “walking feet” instead of “don’t run”, offer acceptable, limited choices so the child gets some control, problem solve with the child to explore alternatives, turn to the child as a consultant- letting them know you understand their needs, you have needs as well, how can all those needs get met? And when you make the request, make sure it is not a vague statement of how you are feeling, with no action asked for- saying you are “uncomfortable” with something is not saying you want different behavior.

Provide information, training and reasons- we take for granted how much we know and how far we have come since childhood. By slowing down and providing step by step training or the underlying reasons for a request the children trust that requests are not arbitrary commands that serve only to interrupt what they are doing. On the other hand, going on and on when a child already knows the reasons because you have explained it to them in the past starts to sound like a lecture from Charlie Brown’s teacher: “Wah wah wah wah wah” Sometimes saying it in a word is better: “teeth”, “jammies”, “walk”.

Express your feelings as you want your children to learn to express theirs- use humor when possible, but not if you need a serious response. Use the “I” message formula: “When___________(behavior) happens, I feel___________(feeling, like frustrated, upset) because______________.(reason for request). Not only will you be shocked and happily surprised when this comes back to you from your child, just by thinking through the formula, sometimes a realization dawns that the problem is linked to those past responses, and not to the here and now of the child you are raising.

Do the unexpected- walk away, do a somersault, say something silly- break the tension first, then return to your request.

AFTER, and only after trying some of the above, and still finding your needs not met you can move to natural or logical consequences. That is a whole other article.

So how about when it is the child’s problem? This is such a sticky area because children are often confronted with problems they do not have the experience or knowledge to solve effectively. Again, you are not leaving them to drift without support, but understanding that every time you take on your child’s problem the message to them is that they are unable to accomplish the task without you. Sometimes this feeds a parent’s need to be needed, which is fine until the child becomes college age, and unable to apply critical thinking or capabilities to the problems that life hands us daily as adults. Whenever confronted with “someone else’s” problem there are 3 main ways to approach your role as supporter.

Listen, listen listen…we really don’t do this well, and don’t take time to practice true active listening AND this is often what the other individual, be it child or adult really needs- to feel heard. Active listening includes empathetic remarks and body language, eye contact and relaxed body posture, and the ability to reflect back both the words and meaning the other is trying to convey. During this time you can grant a fantasy or wish, with words of understanding. Notice this does not say fix, fix, fix- which is often the first response we give or receive, and that sends the message of lack of trust, lack of respect, and undermines our abilities to truly, deeply, listen.

Act as a consultant- Children do need the adult experience and ideas to provide scaffolding by which they can build successes and confidence. After thoroughly listening, ask if the child wants help. Don’t take over, and don’t offer too many ideas without allowing the child control of the process. When you seek out a consultant as an adult, you do not expect the consultant to take over, ignore your wishes and feelings, and come to help whether invited or not. Make sure you give children the same room for exploring their own ideas and solutions. You can also provide training, offer your skill set to supplement and support their ideas, or offer to accompany a child through a process that might involve other adults or children- again, remaining conscious of allowing the child to do what they are capable of without taking over. Teach your child the same skills you practice when it is your problem, so they have an array of approaches to any situation.

Offer support- As above you can offer to accompany a child as they indicate the need, but also step back and offer encouragement and confidence when you feel they are ready to take independent steps in problem solving. Point out successful strategies you have seen them use in the past, or past accomplishments that have similar aspects. Convey your unconditional love and understanding, and let children know that mistakes or missteps are how human beings learn.

Go back to listening if you find yourself in the “yes, but” game with a child who knocks away your suggestions, or insists that they are unable to think of any ideas, or rejects your offers of support or consultation.

Occasionally a problem will be genuinely mutual- and that calls for cooperation, brainstorming, and seeking win-win solutions that consider everyone’s needs. It is fine for you to remain the adult or for expediency occasionally make some choices for everyone.